Moving while Miscarrying.

April of 2021, I teased Jason about selling our house and before the day was over, our home was on the market. The following few days went by so fast. In the middle of cleaning one morning, I broke down and cried because of the overwhelming emotions I was feeling. I thought about leaving my best friend who lived just across the street from me. I thought about my boy's and how attached they were to our neighbors. I knew I was going to miss our little corner on our dead end road.

A little more than a week went by and I was still feeling quite emotional. I cried daily and I can admit, it was a little too extreme than my usual cry - andd that's when I realized, I was late.

I went to the store and bought 5 pregnancy test's and I took all 5 of them... time after time I read "Pregnant."

I sat on my bathroom floor, crying and smiling and crying even harder...trying to sort out all of my emotions that were coming in full force!

I was terrified. I was nervous. I was scared... but most of all, I was so excited, which is hard for me to be when you've had as many losses as I have.. But this one felt different. I was so sick and SO tired. and SOOO emotional. 

I sat on the floor and prayed to god, "Please, let me keep this baby.. I promise I'll do my best to be the best mom I can be. I promise. I'll do anything to keep this baby."

9 miscarriages, I have carried on my heart.. It's a weight I've grown tired of.

Jason came home and he knew before I even told him. He always KNOWS! He smiled and we talked about it for a little while. We were both so happy and felt like it was the perfect timing even if it was during such a crazy time.

I took the following day's as easy as I could. My best friend's came over to help me clean and prepare for house showings.. The rest is such a blurr. All I remember, is half way through our move I began having cramps and I knew instantly that my body was rejecting this pregnancy. I didn't want to believe it. I did all that I could to take it easy. but the next day, I was once again - reliving my reoccurring nightmare. My heart didn't just break that day, but it completely shattered. I thought this time was different.. I wanted it to be different SO BADLY.

We were literally right in the middle of moving. I didn't have my room set up. I didn't have a place I could hide.. So instead, I had no choice but to bury my feelings as deep as I could and I pushed on.. I had to numb myself completely just so I could make it through the next few days.

My heart broke repeatedly that week. Leaving my best friend. Leaving my neighbors. Trying to explain to my kids why we couldn't go "home." all while they tried to understand why mommy kept breaking down crying, especially when she went into the bathroom. That was when the sobs were the loudest and I couldn't hold it in any longer.

My sweet angel boy's came to my rescue whenever they could even if it was just to give me a tissue or a hug..

That year, was one of the hardest of my life.

I fought as hard as I could, just to get out of bed to feed my kids.

I fought as hard as I could, just to not sleep the day away.

10 miscarriages, did me in.. and even though its been a year 1/2.. I'm still trying to piece my heart back together.


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