healing from miscarriage.


such a hard word. 

It's something you never imagine could ever happen to you.

It's been 8 years since I lost my very first pregnancy. yet, I can still feel the pit in my stomach and the pain my heart, like it just happened yesterday.

Back in those very moments. I remember feeling as if I would never ever be whole, ever again. and the truth is, I still ache for those 7 babies, i never got to watch grow up. I don't talk about my loss as often as I used to... But i still think about them constantly. I still wonder who they would've been. I still wonder, how different my life would be now... If maybe one of those pregnancies was my "daughter."

Its hard. miscarriage is hard. trying to grow a family is hard. working through pain, is hard.

So how did I allow myself to heal?

First, I had to come to terms with the reality of what was happening.
Do you know how hard that is to do? To admit to yourself, that your baby is no longer with you. just writing that sentence i can feel it leave a sting on my heart. But, there came a point with my 3rd loss, when I had to take a step back and give myself a minute to comprehend that i was REALLY losing yet another pregnancy. when you experience such a painful loss, it really does feel like you're in a dream. and this just CANT be your life. its not possible. but coming to terms with your reality is so important because it's part of the grieving process. 

Which leads us to the second step. I had to allow myself to grieve. Have you ever heard the quote, "Grief has no timeline? no boundaries. no guideline." well, it might not be the exact quote word for word, but that reminder gave me the comfort I needed to know that it was okay to take my time. in fact, it wasn't just "okay", but it was a MUST. Grieving for a person you love so MUCH, but have never met, is such an incredibly hard thing to explain. you're grieving for a baby who was supposed to be your child, an  then an adult.. you're grieving for a life that never even made its way to earth. I had to remind myself that it was okay to cry. it was okay to be angry. It was okay to ask "why me". bust most of all, it was so IMPORTANT for me to be able to be honest with myself.

Third. I had to FORGIVE.
I had to forgive the doctors who didn't know how to help me. I had to forgive my 2 sisters who were happily pregnant and (thank god) never had to experience a miscarriage. I had to forgive every pregnant person I saw, every new born i looked at. and then, I had to forgive myself. I had to FORGIVE my body. I had to  FORGIVE myself for the things I wasn't able to change.

I found healing, in writing. I started Instagram, not even intentionally. it was more of my friend telling me how awesome it was, so i gave it a try... and next thing i knew, i was writing every emotion i felt that came with loss. because it was easier to write my feelings and tell a bunch of strangers, than it was for me to look at people i knew, and admit that my body had failed me once again. but and as I wrote, I found such a deep connection with so many brave women.. and as i was able to help other women, I was able to see that I wasn't as alone as i thought i was. and then my heavy load, felt a little lighter.

But since that first pregnancy loss, I always felt a void for the babies that weren't physically here with me. Jason bought me a ring, back when we lost my first pregnancy, and i wore it every single day... but soon it became rusted and i couldn't wear it anymore..

so after I had Jonah, I knew I wanted something more permanent and that's when i got my tattoo.
it was 100% the most healing thing I have ever done for Myself.

It's a Lotus flower. Lotus flowers, grow through the mud, and once they reach the top of the surface, they bloom into a beautiful flower!

to me, the mud resembles the pain and heartache ive experienced during my life. 
and my family is my lotus.

7 petals for 7 miscarriages.
3 dots below represents my 3 sons.
 the 1 dot above represents my husband, Jason, who has held me together through all of these years. 

Every time i see my ankle, i feel at peace. i feel whole again. 
this tattoo, is so much more than a tattoo. it was the final key i needed to find healing.


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