My fight with PTSD.

Since I had Ezrah, my world turned in a direction I have never experienced before. I get worried over the smallest of things. My anxiety is through the roof. I have a hard time leaving my kids and if I do, its for a very short time. I trust almost no one because I am constantly worrying "what if something happens, what if Ezrah has a seizure? What if something "pops up" and I'm not with him?" There's a list of things I can't help but worry about, because even though he's doing so well, anything can still happen.

 But, my greatest struggle these last 15 months have not been what I thought it would be.. My greatest struggle has been my fight with Depression and PTSD. Every single day, had been an on going struggle. Just trying to get out of bed takes EVERYTHING in me.

We had a horrible delivery.. this first year of Ezrah's life has been the hardest I've ever experienced yet. But we've been so incredibly blessed. He is walking. He's trying to communicate. He's smart. He plays with his big brother. He laughs and smiles.. He's perfect,  which is why I can't understand why I am still struggling like this? I feel like it's actually ridiculous. The more I try to understand it, the more lost I find myself.

Truly, the fight and the fear is never ending.

last Thursday night my dad was in town, so we all went to dinner, that happened to be only a mile or 2 from the hospital that Ezrah was life flown to the day he was born. I had such a good time with family. We  laughed and talked for a few hours. When it was time to leave it was 8:00 at night. I got in my car and started heading for the freeway and that was when the anxiety started coming on..

I repeatedly told myself, "everything is okay, I am okay".. But as soon as I hit the freeway I could barely see the road because the tears wouldn't stop flowing. I was shaking so bad I could barely hold on to the wheel.

I hadn't realized until I started my drive, that this was the very first time I drove this exact drive by myself since Ezrah was in the NICU, fighting for his life. The emotions came flooding in. I couldn't breathe. I pulled over to try and catch my breathe, but no matter what I did, I couldn't get ahold of myself.

I kept telling myself, "Don't go there, don't think about it."
I kept telling myself, "He's perfect. He's okay. He MADE IT."

But it wasn't enough.

There was a question that I couldn't let go of...
 "What if I didn't go in?"
"What if I ignored my motherly instinct and didn't go in?"
"What if I didn't go?"

The panic set in  as I thought about how different my life would be today. If I didn't go in, my son wouldn't have had a chance to fight. I would have given birth to a baby, who wasn't coming back. The funeral I would have had to plan. The sweet little boy, I never would have gotten to know. This drive.... This drive would have never been apart of my daily routine for those 4 longggg weeks. The pain my heart felt, was unlike anything I've ever felt before. In fact, If I didn't know any better, I would have thought I was having a heart attack.

These were questions I have asked myself before, numerous times. But they didn't sting the way they did in this exact moment.

I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop shaking. I couldn't stop the thoughts from entering my head no matter how hard I tried. I ended up having to call my sister who was only a few minutes behind me, and thankfully the angel that she is to me, she was able to help me get a grip of myself.

This is PTSD. This is the battle, I feel like I'll never be able to win.

We all have our own struggles. Yours may be different from mine, but we all have them which is why it is so important to be understanding of others. To be a little less judgmental. To be a little more giving. A little more loving. Just a little more COMPASSIONATE.

A little goes a long way.





Comments

  1. Trisha, you brave and wonderful woman! There is nothing to be ashamed of AND there is help to get!!! You owe yourself to get help. You deserve to get help. The sooner the better. Don't waste the time you have with your children. This can be cured. Think of it as an infektion - you go to the doctor and get medicin, you don't suffer for years with it! Anyone who had been through the same thing you have, would have gotten PTSD. NOTHING is strange with that. Give yourself the love and life you deserve and make an appointment. Just do it. Today. You are so loved, feel that and give a little love to yourself too. Big hugs, /Helena

    ReplyDelete
  2. Trisha, you brave and wonderful woman! There is nothing to be ashamed of AND there is help to get!!! You owe yourself to get help. You deserve to get help. The sooner the better. Don't waste the time you have with your children. This can be cured. Think of it as an infektion - you go to the doctor and get medicin, you don't suffer for years with it! Anyone who had been through the same thing you have, would have gotten PTSD. NOTHING is strange with that. Give yourself the love and life you deserve and make an appointment. Just do it. Today. You are so loved, feel that and give a little love to yourself too. Big hugs, /Helena

    ReplyDelete

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