almost 35 Weeks !

I cant believe how much I have slacked since starting my blog and finally getting pregnant with our rainbow!!! It is October 15th, which means its pregnancy and infant loss awareness day/month. So of course I felt the need to speak out about my angels that I continue to think about daily, along with our miracle baby who will be joining our family very soon.

I'm now almost 35 weeks, and still growing the most sweetest little spirit. I can honestly say, its been the absolute BEST 35 weeks of my life. Being able to go through the gift of pregnancy for longer than the first trimester, is such a gift to my heart. Watching my Riah, prepare himself to become a big brother to an earthly sibling, completely makes my eyes fill with happy tears. I have waited for this moment for what feels like forever...

We still don't know to this day, what "clicked" with this pregnancy (and our Riah)  unlike the other 7 we lost.. But at this point, I don't even care. I spend EVERY single day being thankful for the strong little man, kicking away in my tummy, as I write this.

This day, and every day, I think about the "what if's". I wonder which of my babies were boys and which were girls, I wonder how different my life would be having 2 under 2, instead of having 2 kids, 3 years apart. Everyday I wonder about them, and if they know my love for them..

Its amazing how much you can love someone you never even met.. Its amazing how someone so small, can make such a connection to your heart.

People often ask me, why would I put myself through so many losses? through so much pain? and honestly, it is far from easy. But after looking at my Riah and looking at this growing belly, trying to imagine what this sweet baby boy will look like, I'm quickly reminded of the happiness I feel now. and that makes it all worth it. all the tears. all the pain. all the times, I thought we would never be where we are... its all worth it.
I cant even began to imagine the thought of "what if I gave up?" I would never have the chance to be a mommy to these two boys. and without them. that's not the life I wanted.

I'm grateful.


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