Growing Baby Bell

March 14th, I woke up and started my day as I always do. I got Riah fed and dressed, we watched his favorite show, played with his trucks, and than I laid him down for nap while I got started on my 5 mile run.. I finished my run before Riah woke up so I showered and by this point I didn't really have much of anything else to do. So I sat in my room alone, and when I'm alone is always when my brain won't shut up and the want and need for a second baby starts to hit me the hardest!

For the past few months I was trying my best to not think about pregnancy, I stopped tracking everything, I stopped taking pregnancy tests 5 days before my missed period. I was focusing more on getting myself healthy and focusing on my little earthly family..

But this time, my brain wouldn't stop nagging me about taking a test because I knew I was suppose to be starting my period soon. So for the sake of my sanity, I decided to take a test.. Every time I test I try my hardest to prepare myself the best way I can for whatever answer I'm about to receive.. I watched my digital test blink and blink and I kept telling myself over and over, "I'm going to be okay if it say's I'm not pregnant." "I'm going to be okay." "Don't be upset if it gives you a different answer than you want." and after what felt like forever. I read,  "NOT pregnant."  I was crushed.. My heart sank. I tried to hold back the tears that were starting to fall down my face. Its so much easier to tell yourself to be strong, than it is when that moment of sadness hits and trying to push through the heartache you feel.

I tried my hardest to stay happy for the remainder of the day. I spent a lot of time loving on my Riah, reminding myself that I am so lucky to have him. He keeps my heart happy, even when it feels broken.

That night, I started feeling sick... I let the thoughts of, "Maybe I just tested too early, maybe I really am pregnant and it read negative because it wasn't my first morning pee." (yes, that was a real thought). The TTC game is such a damn struggle. You have these thoughts that completely toy with you.)

So the next morning, I decided, "Okay, I'm going to take one more test just to be SURE." and I honestly wouldn't have taken another test if I hadn't felt sick the night before.

Jason was out shed hunting with his friends, Riah was sitting on the couch eating cereal. and I once again, started reminding myself that everything would be okay if this test says ,"Not Pregnant." I still have Riah. I can still continue to try. and I can still explore other options.

My heart was beating SO FAST. I thought it was going to fall out of my chest.
I took it, and literally ran out of the bathroom and sat with Riah. I didn't "feel" pregnant. I honestly didn't think I was pregnant. So I took my time. I watched a whole show of "Chuck the Truck" before I went back to read the test. And before picking it up. I told myself again, that no matter what I'll be okay.

Only this time, it read PREGNANT. I instantly started crying, my tears were uncontrollable. I cried the most ugly, heartfelt cry, I've ever cried before.. I hadn't been pregnant in 4 months and I was beginning to think that I just wasn't going to be able to get pregnant anymore. I've read so many story's where women will suffer miscarriage after miscarriage and than they just stop getting pregnant and they have to do IVF treatments and that was my honest fear.



I called Jason crying and told him that we were giving this another shot.. Our 9TH pregnancy, and hopefully our second miracle that we would actually be able to bring home with us.

I didn't know how many more losses I could take at this point. I told myself from the beginning that if this baby doesn't stay, that I'm going to start looking for an adoption agency. I have suffered through so much trying to grow this family. I have cried so many tears, my heart has broke so many times. I couldn't let myself go through a 5th loss in just a years time.

I've prayed Everyday for this baby, and I thank god everyday for finally blessing my family again.

We were able to see our little miracle and the tiniest little heartbeat at 6 weeks along. (And it might sound crazy,  but I carried this ultrasound everywhere I went for a full week.  And now it sits next to my bed where I can look at it every morning and night! )


Today I'm 8 weeks pregnant and I still cant believe this baby is doing so well. After we get through this week, We've officially passed the point where we lost all of our other pregnancies (other than Riah). I've waited for so long to be at this point. I wanted to give up so many times, but I didn't. And I believe we were able to find the strength and keep pushing forward,  thanks to all the amazing support around us.

Baby bell, you are already SO LOVED. you already bring us SO MUCH happiness. We are SO thankful for you!

Comments

  1. How amazing. I completely know the feeling, I hope the best for your growing baby

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  2. How amazing. I completely know the feeling, I hope the best for your growing baby

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  3. Sending sticky dust, prayers, support and love from Temecula, CA. I've followed you for some time now on Instagram and noticed that we are close in age. My husband and I have two boys ages 1 and 2. I check back frequently hoping all the world is working for you and your wonderful family! May god bless you in every way!

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  4. I am so glad that you you posted this, Ive been checking! This broke my heart and made me smile in the same moment because I know how that all feels, I know that heartbreak oh so very well. I am so very happy for you and though Ive been through my fair share of fertility hurdles my heart is so happy that its finally your time!! I wrote a blog post about my fertility issues not too long ago so I hope I am able to do one like this soon. Prayers and positive vibes heading your way!

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  5. I am so happy for you, it's unreal! I've watched you go through unimagable struggles. I currently just had my first mirrage, it was heartbreaking and I didn't understand why? Especially since I already gave birth to a healthy baby boy. God works in mysterious ways!! Sending sticky dust your way! and praying that all works out for you & your family. You deserve this! Xo

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  6. Loving your pictures and the simple and beautiful way you have put your story across - you're an inspiration and I am following your journey - awesome work!

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  7. Beautiful story... God is with you...

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  8. Beautiful story... God is with you...

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