The December baby, I never got to hold.

One of the hardest things about having a miscarriage, is when you hit the due date that your little one would have been due. My arm's are aching for the new born I should be Loving, feeding, and holding right now.. Sometimes I feel so empty inside. I struggle with my losses daily. I wonder if they would have been a brother for Urijah, or a little girl I could dress up. There isn't a day I go, without thinking about them and the "what if's." What I could have done differently. If I cleaned the house less, and laid down more or even the opposite. The hardest thing, is the unknown.

This is the picture we posted on our social media sites a week after we found out we were expecting. It took me 3 days to come up with a cute announcement. I was SOOO excited. I thought this pregnancy would be okay because I was taking the progesterone and I was careful with my workout's. I did everything I thought would keep this baby inside. We decided it would be okay to announce on our social media. If you know me, you know I can't keep a secret especially when it's something so exciting. A few hours after announcing we went to Walmart. I was sitting in the car with Urijah, waiting for Jason to come back. When I felt my stomach start contracting, right then I started getting worried. That's when I noticed the blood. I called Jason and told him he needed to hurry and come out. I didn't want to tell him what was going on. But When he got to the car he saw my tears and knew right away what was happening. Its so sad, that without even saying a word he knows exactly whats going on. I don't know if its the look on my face, or because we have gone through this so many times before, that he just knew. He hugged me as we both cried in the car. We went home and I went to lay down, and just waited for "it" to start. I was completely heart broken. I wish I could say these losses get easier, but they don't. they never do. I use to be SO HOPEFUL with my first few losses, but now I cant lie to myself and tell myself it'll be okay. because deep down inside, I know its not okay. I know theres nothing I can do to keep my baby. The love I feel for my baby, isn't enough power to keep my baby from leaving me. The heartache is real, the pain I feel is real.
I am not a bitter person, or at least I try my hardest not to be. I would have givin anything to keep my babies and it makes me so sad that god had other plans for me. There were times where I blamed him, especially with my most recent loss. but then I was reminded by my best friend, that sometimes god doesn't make us perfect, and that's okay. Sometimes he is there crying with us, when we feel so alone and hurt. And some times these hard trials are part of his plan. maybe my plan is to help others. or maybe its just a trail I will understand later in life.
all I know, is that the only thing I am in control of is myself and how I react to my losses. My pain is 100% real. my losses are 100% real. But I know I can still find a way to be happy because in the end that's what god wants. Is for me to be happy.

Comments

  1. We don't know each other, but I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage in December also. I was so excited to find out we were pregnant the day after Thanksgiving. SO happy. Then on December 8th, at 4 weeks and 6 days pregnant.. the bleeding began. The night before I felt the contractions.. and was worried. They were gone the next day but I felt as if I had slight menstrual cramps. In the middle of the night the bleeding began and my heart broke. We were able to get pregnant again right away. Today I am 6 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Each day that goes by I'm so grateful to still be pregnant but am so worried that I will lose this one too. I'm feeling hopeful.. but I want this so badly that I'm so afraid of the pain of it not really happening. Thank you for sharing your story because it helps me not feel alone. I'm sorry you have felt this pain... more times than anyone ever should.. but it is comforting to know that other people know how I feel. Never stop trying. It will happen for you! Besides... with us both being LDS.. we know that those precious babies you held in your womb are a part of your eternal family. Even though their time on earth was so short.. you will have eternity to get to know them and love them and be with them. Lfredlund09@gmail.com

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  2. Your blog has really helped me. I just went through a miscarriage myself. I was at 6 wks 2 days when the bleeding stopped. We hadn't told anyone, I had to quickly tell some of those close to me bc of the dr appt for bloodwork that followed. We didn't have any issues with my 1st, so it was hard to even wrap my head around the issue. I too feel like I lost a bit of my heart with the tiny baby which I never layed eyes on or ever got to hear it's heartbeat. Your words have helped.

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  3. Your blog has really helped me. I just went through a miscarriage myself. I was at 6 wks 2 days when the bleeding stopped. We hadn't told anyone, I had to quickly tell some of those close to me bc of the dr appt for bloodwork that followed. We didn't have any issues with my 1st, so it was hard to even wrap my head around the issue. I too feel like I lost a bit of my heart with the tiny baby which I never layed eyes on or ever got to hear it's heartbeat. Your words have helped.

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  4. Me ayuda mucho el leerte, tuve un aborto involuntario en agosto, aquí te hacen ecografía a las 12 semanas y fue ahí cuando descubrieron que mi bebé había muerto a las 6 semanas.
    Me hicieron un raspado. Y es ahora y aun lloro cuando me acuerso

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  5. Me ayuda mucho el leerte, tuve un aborto involuntario en agosto, aquí te hacen ecografía a las 12 semanas y fue ahí cuando descubrieron que mi bebé había muerto a las 6 semanas.
    Me hicieron un raspado. Y es ahora y aun lloro cuando me acuerso

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  6. I'm so deeply sorry for your losses. As I read your posts I can feel your pain as I lost my baby in May. My husband and I have been trying again and nothing has happened. Every word you had written is exactly how I feel. My boss had told me in comfort, that it happens a lot and even though it's hard, a lot of women go through this. She was so compassionate and understanding. Now reading your blog and seeing the words that I felt inside, I feel a tiny sense of not being alone. I'm so sorry for your losses. The things that people said to you, I was told too. About not announcing until after 3 months. It was so hard to feel that others were already expecting the worst. I cried so hard the day I lost our baby. I still cry. That little piece of hope I felt was so quickly taken away on a Saturday morning. Every time I would wake up from a nap I thought I was having a nightmare, but then would know it wasn't. It would make me cry all over again. I went through a few months of sadness. Very few people could understand this feeling. My poor Husband would just tell me it would be ok and cradle me while I would have bursts of crying and I would think "when will it be ok?"

    I'm praying for you and your family. Also for all the other ladies that have had a loss. Xoxo

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  7. I am so very sorry for your loss and pain. But I am wondering, what makes you decide to keep getting pregnant after so many miscarriages? Seven seems like a lot, it doesn't seem fair to the babies. Why put more potential lives at risk when you could just be thankful for the child you do have, or adopt? I am sure it has been beyond painful for you and your family.But why keep putting yourself through that? It seems selfish.

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