My Shattered Heart

This pregnancy I took the hardest..
Jason and I had talked about kids, we had been together for about 5 years at the time we decided to start trying. We both knew from the start that it was definitely something that we both wanted. The hard part was trying to decide when, we should start trying to have a baby. We had certain things that we wanted in order before we started trying, like having good jobs and being completely on our own. We wanted a certain amount of money saved. We wanted to make sure that we were as ready and prepared as we could be. So after being married for a year, we felt that we had good things going for us and that it was time we could start trying..
I was of course beyond excited! Jason, was nervous! I think that's usually how it goes for everyone, right? When I was younger I had some health problems, I was in Primary Children's Hospital for 6 months. The doctors told me that I could have problems carrying a pregnancy because my back is so weak. So we expected to have struggles, just not the same struggles I had in mind.
I took a home pregnancy test after the very first month of trying and it came out positive! I was soooo shocked, but already soooo in love with our little bun in the oven. I was so nervous to tell Jason that night when he got home, I honestly couldn't find the words to tell him. It took me TWO hours to finally work up the courage to tell him that he was going to be a DAD! I went into our room where he was standing in the bathroom shaving, right away I started sobbing uncontrollably. He looked at me confused. The only words I could get out was, "Don't be mad." With a very worried look on his face he asked me if I had cheated on him. by that point I burst out laughing. I grabbed the test and gave it to him. I'll never forget the look on his face. The happiness we both felt and the joy this lil bun brought us.
Right away we told all of our friends and family as well as announced it on facebook. everyone was so happy for us. I was the happiest I've ever been.

Fast forward 3 weeks. I was just about 9 weeks pregnant when I started having this brown discharge. Right away I called the doctor and he told me to just take it easy and to come in the next day so we could check on the baby. I tried to stay positive, I kept my feet up. I drank so much water, I did everything I could to try and stop the discharge, but before I knew it, the brown turned to red and the red turned into bright red and I knew that this wasn't good. That night, I barely slept, and when I did fall asleep I had terrifying dreams of losing the baby.
The next morning Jason and I went to the doctor office way before it had even opened. I was so anxious to see my baby and to make sure it was okay. I had every hopeful thought and was trying my best to stay positive. I had prayed and prayed the whole night and morning. I wanted this baby soooo badly.
  I laid down on the table, Jason held my hand the entire time. The screen turned on and tears quickly filled my eyes. only they were happy tears.. We saw our baby and the sweetest tiniest heartbeat still going..  It gave me more hope that everything would be okay. I knew it was common for women to bleed during pregnancy so I tried to hold on to every hopeful thought I had. The doctor told me it would be a good idea to start testing my HCG levels, so the first thing we did was go to the hospital.
Testing your HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) , is something doctors do to see if your pregnancy is progressing in the first trimester. If your HCG is 0-5 it means you are not pregnant. Every day, your HCG numbers should double or triple and that's a good sign of a healthy pregnancy.

At 9 weeks my HCG levels were at 10,000 which was good. but it was the lower side of good. After 2 days my numbers dropped to 5,000 which showed that we were losing the baby.
When the doctor called to tell us the news, my heart shattered into pieces. I honestly didn't want to believe him. I wanted to be a mother more than ANYTHING else. It was so important to me. Ever since I was a teen, I always knew that becoming a mom was my calling in life.

It took over a week for my body to finally push the baby out. during that week, I felt comfort knowing I was still carrying this huge piece of my heart. I felt my stomach contracting for over four hours and as soon as the baby left my body I knew right away that my baby was gone, because the pain quickly stopped. I then realized, I wasn't considered pregnant anymore. That was a hard pill for me to swallow.

I faced a horrible depression after losing my baby, that turned me into someone I wasn't proud of.
But that's for another day, and another post.


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