Eight times.

I think most of everyone knows that exciting feeling, when you pee on a stick and it comes out just the way you hoped for..Well That has happened to me not once, or twice, but EIGHT times. Eight times, I've been hopeful. Eight times, I've been excited. Eight times, I have loved someone that I never got to meet. Eight times, I have told my husband that we're expecting. Eight times, I've had a baby growing in me. My babies may not have stayed as long as I hoped they would, but I had that joy each and every time.. I've had the happy tears, but I've also experienced the scared/sad tears as well.

After losing my first pregnancy, I was terrified to tell people once I was pregnant again.
when I lost my second pregnancy, I felt like it was something I did wrong and I blamed myself, even though I knew there was nothing I could have done to protect my baby.
when I lost my Third baby, I wanted to give up.

When I was pregnant with Urijah, I couldn't even enjoy it. don't get me wrong. I couldn't have been happier to be pregnant, but the hurt from the unknown, made me put up a wall. A wall that I have regretted everyday since. I basically pretended that I wasn't pregnant. I tried to ignore the fact that I had life in me. when our first appointment came, I was so nervous I was having horrible panic attacks because even though i tried to build this huge wall to try and protect myself, I still wanted this baby more than anything in the world. I then hit 15 weeks and that was the first time I really started to let myself enjoy the sweet things  that pregnancy brought me.

Finally I hit 20 weeks, I knew that this baby would be okay. I went through Half of my pregnancy, basically ignoring the sweet little spirit I had been growing. And It really wasn't until a few weeks after Riah was born, was when I realized, I missed out on so much. I spent so much time trying to keep my guard up so I wouldn't get hurt, that I had no connection with my baby until half way through my pregnancy.

Even with all the pain that comes from losing a pregnancy, there's so much joy that is involved because you gave that little baby the body that it needed so it could return to heaven. You still became a mother, because you created life. Even if that tiny heart beat never got the chance to make it outside its womb. Even if you lost your pregnancy, you found a way to love, in such an amazing way, a way that you never knew was even possible.

I've learned that I can either look back on my losses, and be heartbroken, or I can choose to love my babies and remember them by speaking about them. By helping others when they are faced with the outcome that I am so familiar with.

I've lost 6 of my 8 baby's. I've got one, I'm holding on tight to and another, I wont give up on.
I've learned how to cope with my losses. and Ive learned how to make myself stronger for the trials I was faced with.

even though we cant choose our outcome, we can choose how they effect us.

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