Angel number 7

This past Sunday I was having this weird discharge that was first yellow, and than started changing to a very light pink.. I was already having anxiety because that morning I had realized my breasts weren't as sore. But I tried to remain positive the entire day..
By Sunday night, I started having dark spotting which quickly turned to red. When this happened, It was like, I could actually feel my heart breaking.. I knew right then that this sweet baby was going to be leaving us.

looking Jason in the eye, and having to tell him that we are losing yet another baby, is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and We have done this 7 times now. 7 times too many.  every time we lose a pregnancy I cant help but to feel like a failure. Its my JOB as a woman, to take care of my family, to clean my house, to do motherly things and to grow my family. I may be hard on myself at first and that's why I try to give myself a day or two, to just cry. to be sad. to be upset and bitter. By the third day, I do everything I can to pick myself back up and to try and move on from the sadness.

We can only dwell for so long on sadness before we start letting it take complete control of our feelings. If we aren't careful, it can turn us into someone you don't want to be.

By Monday morning, the clotting had began, which is a sign of miscarriage, but a good sign because it means your body is doing exactly what it should when miscarrying. There are many cases where you would have to get a d&c, that's when the doctors go in and basically clean you out. if your body doesn't miscarry completely on its own, it can leave tissue inside of you and that can cause you to get VERY sick, and sometimes can lead to death.

We went to the doctors yesterday afternoon. As soon as we got there I went to the bathroom and knew right then that I had lost the sac. I always have that sliver of hope every single time, that by some miracle the baby would still be there and everything will work out for us. but the false hope makes it so much harder to get through.
We walked into the doctors office and I told him that I was sure the baby is already gone. He wanted to still do an ultrasound just to make sure that there was just one baby.
 Its always so uncomfortable because the ultrasound is not one they do on my belly. this ultrasound is terrible. it's called an internal/ vaginal ultrasound. which is what they do if you aren't very far along in your pregnancy.
Every ultrasound I try to prepare myself for what may or may not be on the screen. There could be the baby, but no heartbeat. There could be a baby with a heart beat. There could be Two babies or even three. or there will be nothing.. You just really never know!
Every time, I cant help but to hope that there will be a baby and a heartbeat on the screen. But this time, we saw nothing and my heart broke that much more because every ounce of hope failed me.

We talked about options and really there isn't much more we can do.
He talked to me about going to the U where they have amazing doctors, but since we have already done a majority of the tests I would most likely have to be their lab rat which will cost us a fortune and right now, I don't think I can handle that emotionally.
The next thing he told me to do, is to continue trying. I don't have to wait a month. I can just jump right into baby making and we can hope for the best. He advised me to try my hardest to not get attached and to just continue doing what we're doing. We have been blessed with Urijah, so we know we can have healthy babies. it just getting them past the first trimester that's so stinkin hard.

Right now, I don't know what we will do. I don't know if we will try again as soon as we can or if we will give ourselves a little time to heal. All I know is that I'm not ready to give up. This is not easy for us.. My heart breaks and continues to break every single time I am reminded of my losses. But I know that I have more children waiting for me. I know Urijah has siblings waiting to meet him. and I know that I am meant to be a mother. Time is our worst enemy right now. but we will continue to do everything that needs to be done to be able to grow our family.

Comments

  1. Hey beautiful. I just want you to know how much I'm thinking of you! It's so hard to keep hope and faith in check when all you want to do is be faithful and hope in something that you don't know whether it will turn out. Sometimes I feel like I need to put the baby making piece of my heart on ice for a while while we try, because the hope hurts too much. I know our thing is different, but I still feel like the longing for babies and loving our sons is so much the same. Xoxo

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  2. I don't know you, but I feel like I know your heartache. I want to thank you for bearing your soul, and sharing your story. I've always known I was meant to be a mommy. When I was 16 I found out I was pregnant. I was so young and so scared. I went back and forth between keeping my baby or giving him/her to a better family. At ten weeks God took that decision from me and called my baby home. I couldn't help but feel that this was my punishment for my indecision. At 21 I found out I was pregnant again. We hadn't been trying, but this time I had no doubt in my mind that this is what I wanted, that it was my second chance. At 9 weeks God called my baby home. It was heartbreaking. Now at 25 I've lost three more babies. It never gets easier and I still find myself wondering if this is punishment for being so unsure at 16. I try to keep my faith that one day God will bless me with a child I'm able to carry in my arms rather than just my heart. I know I'll see them again, but the missing hurts. Thank you for sharing, helping me remember that I'm not alone. Because I know sharing your story can be hard. God bless you.

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  3. This brought tears to my eyes. Your attitude on this is incredible and I am SO sorry for the pain you have had to go through during all of this. You are an incredible woman.

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  4. Your words spoke so clearly to me! I felt everything g you felt! My heart breaks for you, for all the women that go through this! It is not an easy thing, you will never forget it! This brought tears to my eyes! You are an amazing woman!

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